Last Saturday I was out and about loving life as a bachelor. Today I feel a deep yearning for someone sweet and long-term to curl up on the couch with. I think of several amazing women who’ve offered me that kind of relationship over the years, and how I’ve turned them all down. Some days, like today, the loneliness hits hard. But not the regret. At least not yet.
It is weird, this being human thing. There’s that urge to grow and progress and be better than before. Or maybe it’s not an urge. Maybe it’s just a paradigm we’ve all bought into. No other animal worries about maximizing its potential, about getting the most out of life. A cat can lie about all day and not feel like a loser.
Coming up on a year since I moved to Amsterdam, gave up the vagabond lifestyle and settled in one place. I’ve enjoyed living here, but I thought I’d be further along business-wise by now. I figured the main thing holding me back was lack of routine, lack of focus, but perhaps there’s more to it than that.
You know how we look back at our younger selves and roll eyes at things we did and things we wish we hadn’t done? I wonder what things I’m doing and not doing right now that will have my eyes a-rolling a decade down the line. I’ll probably be thinking a lot different about business and relationships by then. But different how?
Squeezing in client work between Skype calls. I’m trying to do a minimum of two paid hours per day at my €75/hour rate. Manage that consistently and I’m cracking €3k per month just from freelancing, with plenty of time left over to focus on marketing 3M1K and building other products. Simple in theory, but it’s always a bit messy in reality.
Almost three months since I launched 3M1K. Sales haven’t been as steady as I’d like, but the results and feedback from those who signed up have been encouraging. Next month I need to kick the marketing into high gear, do a big push for guest posts. I’ll try get quality articles published on popular sites, sending new leads my way.
Maybe like me you often get caught up thinking you must do big things to make an impact, to move people. But nah, it’s more about doing the small things, consistently. Wrote a quick piece about sobriety for my mailing list today, nothing fancy, just raw and truthful. Sent it out and got some nice responses. Impact made, people moved. Good reminder for myself.
Evening in Dam Square and I stand and watch and listen. Seeing things happening, thinking of things that happened. The birth of this town, a funfair across the way, Napoleon on a white horse, tulips swaying in the breeze, drunk Nazis shooting into a crowd, tourists walking where philosophers and kings and hippies walked before.
I think happiness is overrated. We all have different happiness baselines, and a bit of sadness and grief is good for you every now and then. Today alone all day in my apartment I can’t say that I’m happy, but I am content. I’m healthy, warm, well-fed and rested, with meaningful work and time with friends ahead of me this week.
Teddy Roosevelt once wrote, “I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.” I like to remind myself of those words whenever I’m feeling stuck or frustrated, though of course I recognize the vanity in it; compared to most people on this rock, I’m living a charmed life.
Bike’s got a flat. Seems some fecker stole the insert of my valve stem. I’m late to meet friends and no bike shops open at this hour. So I walk the block, find another fiets with a flat and pay forward the thievery, figuring that bike’s not going anywhere anyways. Mentioning it here so I’m more likely to make amends later.
Don’t know, maybe I’m getting tired of the single life. Out and about for King’s Day and didn’t have the buzz to go chatting up chicks, would have preferred someone familiar by my side. Not sure I’ve felt it this strong since three years back in Bangkok, right as I was souring on the dating scene there, right before I fell in love.
When I was an employee I loved a day off on a Wednesday. Now, being self-employed, it kinda sucks. Trying to get back into the work stuff today was a massive struggle. Farted around and didn’t get a whole lot done. Wondering if there’s something bigger wrong here. Such low energy. Diet maybe? Or just burnt out on the trying…
Sometimes I think of running away from Amsterdam. It’s not the cheapest city, and summer is taking its sweet ass time arriving. I could pack everything and move to Thailand next week, save about €800/month on rent alone. But no, I need to stick it out. Had my fill of moving in recent years. No place is perfect. Neither am I. Gotta accept that.
She’s telling me about a retreat she just got back from. They explored and embraced their sexuality, their wildness. One time she held space in front of the group, letting her body move. Several men tried to meet her there, to match that energy. None could… but one. Only he could claim her. I ask because I want to know: what did he have that the others didn’t?
In the comments below, let me know which of the above Momentos is your favorite. Which can you relate to?